My Depression
When I’m depressed, the resource I lack is caring, caring about my future, and caring about myself. I struggle to be engaged, to be invested in life. I feel feelings of worthlessness, of being unworthy or a burden to others. I have trouble embracing any sort of purpose, in being motivated by something larger than myself. I’m undedicated. I’m clinging to an unrealistic or skewed lens in which I see the world as being more negative than it is. I’m embodying a narrative or role that is unrealistic. I’m assessing situations, making toxic value judgments, and often treating myself in a way that runs contrary to the compassion I’m willing to give others.
Adverse life events can cause depression, but it can also occur when a person has a seemingly pleasant set of circumstances. I’ve been a part of situations that would typically make me happy; only I’m without the previous enthusiasm and satisfaction, which frustratingly makes it feel like it’s my fault, that I am a fool for not being able to appreciate this activity or circumstance. There is goodness in my life, but I am not grateful. I am burdened and then further burdened with the guilt of not being grateful.
My depression is heavy and slow. Sleep becomes a welcome escape, something to look forward to, to be unconscious. I want to be motivated, but I’m just not. I think I could be doing better, so I beat myself up for not making it happen. I crave disconnection. I think it’s disconnection that I deserve.
I’m haunted by the idea that I’m a master of my destiny, that if I were simply more positive, more positivity would move towards me. This failure makes me feel like it’s my fault that I’m miserable, even though when I choose to do something good for myself, I often fail to feel any better with any sort of the immediacy that I crave.
When I’m depressed, I want a solution in the form of some formula and for its usefulness to be proven before I instigate any actions. I want to solve it in my mind before doing any of the body work. It’s looking endlessly for a sucker punch, some speakable solution found in conversation, rather than chip away at the problem, bit by bit. I want the motivation to act before acting, although perhaps paradoxically, the motivation to do the activity would come from doing the activity?! I may not be able to change my mind, but maybe if I change what my body is doing, that will change my mind?
And so we have these battles, with little leaps of faith where we can shift the narrative, where we convince our bodies to heal our minds. Yes, we may have missed options before, but we did the best we could then with what we knew then. Here we are with the now, a place to stage small rebellions. A positive spin may seem inappropriate, but how about a more realistic angle? Our rethinking and reframing power is always ours, and though it may seem minimal, it’s always there to mitigate the bad.
I’ve found small openings and opportunities where I can reinforce habits that move me further towards wellness. I do what I can. I act knowing that it will take more than any one action to cure me or keep me well. I realize that my struggles are hard enough without feeling the shame of being someone who struggles, so I allow myself to be not o.k.; a state of affairs which is very human. Apathy is an understandable reaction to a world like ours, but it’s also understandable to be hopeful despite the absurdity of it all, to defiantly persevere and do worthwhile activities before I have the motivation to do them. It’s not easy, but it can be done with manageable steps, and bit by bit I’ll work my way towards the wellness that I deserve.
