Suicide
This is a topic I am hesitant to write about, because I really don’t want to write something that would lead to more suffering. How we write about suicide matters, although it’s important we feel comfortable talking and expressing where we’re at with it so that we feel less alone. The main issue, I think, with how we communicate about suicide is that we don’t want to condone the act, but we don’t want to blame a person for doing it either.
I have heard that suicide doesn’t end the suffering, it just passes it on to other people. Isn’t this blaming the ill? This view is frustrating, because a part of me is sympathetic to it. The suffering after a suicide is impossibly immense for the loved ones still here. As for the person who ends their life, I suppose we all have our beliefs. Personally, I’d be wary of anyone claiming absolutes about what happens after death: they might be trying to sell you something. I do know that their suffering in this life is over, and if there is nothing after death, then there is neither suffering nor joy. Nothing is characterless.
The suffering in this life is not nothing, and some people have impossible amounts of it imposed on them. The battle is fought valiantly, but the hero leaves us sometimes. Mental illness is illness, just like cancer is. You don’t blame someone for suffering from cancer, do you? But if this analogy were completely accurate, there wouldn’t be a delineation between mental and physical health. Or are they the same? If they are the same, what of euthanasia? These are hard issues.
I believe there’s a difference between physical and mental health, and that difference is in the fact we have a dimension to ourselves that chooses. We are beings who deal with meaning, and meaning isn’t material.
In dealing with mental health, am I really choosing if I’m not aware of the ultimate implications of my actions? Is it a choice if there isn’t freedom to choose otherwise? We have to be careful in saying there is no choice, because we don’t want to doom people to an outcome, and we don’t want to condone decisions that lead to suffering. People who are ill make decisions they wouldn’t necessarily make if they had access to a more diverse picture. Our perspective is clouded by illness and positions that aren’t integral to us.
I wish I could bring back my friends who struggled valiantly, but ultimately were overcome by their mental illness. There are things I would have done differently, choices I wish I didn’t make. But we can’t impose today’s knowledge on yesterday’s decisions. I know for myself that in my darkest times there have been a few things that have kept me from taking my own life. Some of them may seem dark too say, but I’ll say them anyway.
A high percentage of suicide attempts are unsuccessful (22). To me the thought of being physically as well as mentally crippled by an unsuccessful attempt has played a part in keeping me here. Another thing is that life can be hellish in the moment, but you don’t know what improvements tomorrow may bring. All moods and feelings are temporary (even the good ones, unfortunately). What has helped me the most is understanding my purpose. I need purpose. With purpose, be it handed down or chosen, we can withstand almost anything. “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how,” as Nietzsche said (23).
So, with my beliefs in mind, I carry on. When an hour of this life seems too much to bear, I take it minute by minute, and when that is too much, I take it second by second, trying to keep in mind that the next second could be a better one.
